Being in a State of Insecure Attachments

Today we're gonna be talking about attachment. We are created for social connections. Attachment can be looked at on a spectrum. One side is enmeshment with the other side being detached.

With enmeshment, it looks like:

"I can't live without you". "You're the world to me". "You saved me". "You're my rescuer".

With detachment, it looks like:

stonewalling, avoiding, overly involved in activities or kid's schedules

When you're working with families, couples, individuals, and especially teens, you start to see different patterns. Patterns that don't make sense. So try not to go into the logical sense. Because when people are living in insecurity, it's not about being logical. It's most likely about being in the state of emotion, or living in unresolved conflict and not noticing or being aware.

Living in insecure relationships lack the balance of both logic and emotion. That balance is in the middle of the spectrum which is the state of living with secure attachments. We can easily lean more towards detachment or enmeshment but with self-awareness, healing, and intentionality, we can practice on being in the state of security.

You're gonna see different patterns, different trends with each client. You may see that a client is enmeshed with a toxic, unhealthy person compared to a detached relationship with someone who is healthy. Again, living in secure attachment has a balance of both logic and emotion. That is the area where there is more self-regulation. So when you are regulated, you're using your pre-frontal cortex. In that space, there is more conversation both listening and expressing, and more presence. There will be times when you step out of regulation but with awareness, healing, and being more in a state of relief, you are able to step back into regulation.

When you are the therapist seeing these patterns of insecure attachments, stay in the position of curiosity, being compassion led, and asking the client to notice and sense. When a therapist starts asking:

Why do you do this?

What's wrong with you?

That doesn't make sense.

You are putting yourself in a position to be the judge. This hinders the organic flow of the therapeutic relationship. And it hinders the client from noticing and sensing what's underneath the action, the behavior of what they are seeing and how they feel towards it. They will begin to shut down and share less. And they will be in the position to defend or question themselves which pulls them away from experiencing the impact of what they are sharing.

We want to lead the client to increase their awareness and lead through the process of discovery for there to be healing. It is a process of peeling off the layers as they're looking at each layer. Creating a balance, creating a rhythm with the client of discovery, exploring, and noticing. Integrating mind and body that helps the client be in the state of regulation, where they are able to see a conflict or stressor from another view. Join us at Distinct 1 Therapy, where we lead clients through a process of discovery and healing.