Grappling with Unresolved Conflict

Unresolved conflict may not appear until you see it repeating itself through your children. The response of shutting down, avoiding, and getting angry are some examples that we may see in our children. We respond in that same cycle but has been transferred to another. When we step back, pause, and reflect on our tendency to react to that behavior, we may see that it is a cycle that is being playing out. An unresolved conflict that we may not have been aware of until we are on the opposite side feeling the impact of that behavior. Going through the process of identifying, exploring, and healing. Going from a learned response that reacts in dysregulation to more of a regulated state.

1. Be kind to self. In the position of reflecting, show compassion to self. This is only a time of reflecting, noticing, sensing are there any parts of myself that I am still holding onto? Parts of myself that I depend on. Parts of self that may be strengths but I leaned on these parts so much that I became dependent on those parts like being logical, stubborn, self-aware, and nice to others. Being logical can feed into being egocentric. Being stubborn can feed into being dismissive. Self-aware can feed into being overly critical of self. Nice to others can feed into being a people pleaser.

2. Ask yourself were there moments that I felt rejected, abandoned, or neglected? Were there moments that I felt alone that I may have been the only one who loved me, saw my pain? Hiding the pain from others not wanting to add more burden to others or triggering someone to scrutinize my pain for their own pleasure or satisfaction. How easy we can dismiss or minimize the pain seeing the strength or seeing ourselves as the hero in the story. But how easily we can continue living in that cycle of self-protection.

3. Choose to forgive. Forgive others. Forgive self. Or even forgive in those moments that may not be remembered. There can be moments in your life that you cannot recall what happened but you feel that there is something there that impacted you. Moments that may have occurred when you were little, an infant, toddler, or blacked out. Forgiveness is letting yourself off the hook from harm, despair, hatred towards self or others. When you harbor in unforgiveness, you learn to depend more on yourself staying in the fight, the fight of yourself vs the other.

4. Loving those parts of me that held the pain and giving voice to those parts of me that felt silenced or betrayed.

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